Meandering Voices in My Head

So I've been in LJ hybernation for more than 6 months.  Meh -- there's been stuff to talk about, but it's more "long, boring story of my life" than intellectually stimulating commentary on my existence.

I'm not sure if this is resolution to post more or not, but Walker and I were attempting to recount this time last year -- when we were in the social vortex of writing lectures for PSY 101 and diligently working on our theses -- and couldn't remember some of the details.  Even his trusty Princess journals were devoid, as he wrote on Jan 9th and then not again until Mar 29th.

So, just to get my LJ up to speed, here are the major point of life since June:

JUNE 2007: Endless showerless days searching for a job that met my skill level, pay expectations and ethics -- Harder than I imagined!

JULY: Continued job search; Tour de Iowa for Puffer cousin reunion/Gramma E's 90th B-day party

AUGUST: Began manager training at Next to Nature, "your pet's health food store" -- for the first time, maybe ever, I'm using my Animal Science degree more than my Psych one

SEPTEMBER: Took over as manager -- retail is demanding in a way I never understood before, but in a good way that makes me LOVE my job; started considering Vet school; Home to celebrate Joshua's 1st B-day; Join gym, go 4 times

OCTOBER: Hired assistant manager and another associate, schedule gets a little lighter; Washoe dies at CHCI

NOVEMBER: Poke at thesis that's been sitting in the pile of papers on my desk since June; Washoe's funeral prompts first trip back to E'burg -- it was a strange mix of emotions; Thanksgiving with Walker's clan in Lake Stevens

DECEMBER: Retail nuttiness!; Home for Christmas w/ my fam, Gramma J falls and has surgery while we're there -- small blessings in tragedy: Going to be an Auntie again in July

JANUARY: Store inventory -- that sucked!; Discovered Rock Band which if we ever actually get our own could interfere with: Renewed interest in thesis and fitness -- 10 year reunion(s) in June....

That's about it.  Thrilling I know....

Now living in sunny (at least some of the time) Shoreline....Still among more boxes than I'd like -- but we have internet, so I feel whole again.

Life, that is.  Seems to be coming at me all at once -- but in a good way I suppose.

• Walker and I found a nice rental house in Shoreline a couple weeks ago now.  Our lease starts there on the 11th, and ends here in E'burg on the 15th.  Ah, moving!
  
• Graduation is the 9th.  Technically I'm not done, but I have clearance for the ceremony anyway.
  
• My last day of slinging pizza and serving the drunk and debatched of Ellensburg is the 8th.
  
• Mom is flying out on the 7th and staying through the 15th to see graduation and help with the move.  It will be nice to be 25 minutes, rather than 2 hours away from the airport for her return trip.
  
• My thesis proposal meeting is set for the afternoon of June 1st -- ironically, that is also the last day of preschool for data collection.  So I did it a little backwards! Sue me!
  
• I had a phone interview with the "search committee" for Central for a teaching position at the Lynnwood campus this morning.  I think it went well -- I should know next week.

So that's my crazy life in a nut shell!  I can't wait to be through with the next 2 and a half weeks.

Hmmm....on second thought, maybe that should just say: Advancement.  Nonetheless I made a major break through in the thesis process today.  I actually completed what I would consider a full and readable "draft" of my proposal. If my advisor agrees then I am a go for a proposal meeting -- only just a mere 8 months after I originally thought I would be. 

Regardless, I feel accomplished. YAY ME!

Hot coffee with cream > hot coffee with no cream
Cold coffee with no cream > Cold coffee with cream

If we wanted to make a hierarchy it would look like:

Hot coffee with cream
Cold coffee with no cream
Cold coffee with cream
Hot coffee with no cream

Of course coffee (cold or hot, with preference determined by weather) with gobs of chocolate trumps anything.  That is all.

So it's 12:23 here on the left coast and no one has posted for today.  That's mildly notable so I guess I will take up the cross on my own.

Like I noted to my sister yesterday, life has just been chugging along here in E'burg.  Thesis data collection has been going okay, although I find myself very weary of preschool already....even the chatteriest monkeys don't make that much noise!

In addition to the thesis I've also been slogging through writing a cover letter for a teaching job a one of C-Woo's satalite campuses for next year.  I don't think I've ever thought through an articulation of my "teaching philosophy."  Blah.  Why do all things have to be so complicated?

I love math.  It makes me happy.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! So Frank* (name has been changed to protect the asshole) has been amazingly normal since my best-friend/old-roomie/manager left to move back home (I miss her). It's even been relatively easy to work with him....much surprise! But then tonight, he throws his little hissy fit over tip divisions AGAIN -- since this happens every few weeks.

First he starts off by counting the tip jar, asking how we did tonight, and wanting to divide it. I said "Frank, Jesus, let me run the tips -- go, go clean the kitchen." And still he hovers -- watches me count. I'm thinking -- WHAT THE HELL? I always divide tips precisely. Usually to the nickel. So I'm always really surprised when he has a problem. So finally, as he hovers while I try to make $10.25 happen for each of us with no $10s and only 4 $5s in the drawer, I'm like -- "What is it?" He's like, "I want to do it, because it never seems to turn out evenly for me when you do it." Now that's insulting! So I said, "What do you mean? I always divide it fairly." To which he says, "Then why did Stephanie* get more than I did when you did tips earlier?" I said, "Oh, well you came it at 6:25, she was here at a little after 6, the $2 was the difference. If you're so concerned, don't be late." Then all hell breaks loose. Because he was there at 6:20, not 6:25 and Steph clocked it at 6:10. So how could we possibly make $8 in that 10 min? To which I responded that the credit card time stamps showed that those two tips came in during that time.

Then he starts to bitch about the fact that he bussed tables and whatnot starting at 6:20 and then prepared the food for the orders that would have come in around 6:10, because we were slammed. So because he had to deal with the tipped orders at all (food prep to bussing) then he should be included in those tips.

AND STEPH (who has always been reasonable)  AGREED WITH HIM?!?!?!?! They've become butt-buddies since the old manager left, which is even more obnoxious.

To my understanding and knowledge, tips have always been divided out when someone new comes on shift. So today, tips should have been divided at 5 when Blake came on, 6:10 when Steph started and 6:20 when Frank started. Yeah that's a little too exact even for me, so I divided tips at 5 and 6 and then when Frank came in -- kind of estimations when Frank came in, because I knew what should have been divided out for Blake and I prior to 6 and then I went by the time stamps on the 2 credit card receipts for those 20 minutes. So Steph got the benefit of 10 minutes or so. But it has never mattered what's going on when you start. Unless it's a huge ass party that tipped a million dollars -- then we tip by effort. Say if Rachel clocked out at 6 and the party that she'd served from 5-6 closes their tab at 6:10 and leaves a >$5 tip -- and sometimes even less than that -- then we staple it to her time card. But I don't think it's ever been reverse. If people are coming in at 5:50, tip $8 and a new person arrives to work at 6 -- we just pull the tips at 6 and divide them. I don't think anyone has ever held back the tips that came in just before a shift just because that person will be helping to serve unless for some reason it was a huge tip for a large group.

And furthermore, by that logic, wouldn't it make sense then that I demand a portion of the tips Frank and Steph made from say 11-12 tonight, because when I got in at 12 I did dishes for an hour -- so I should get some of what all of those people tipped, because I'm working on their order?  I think that it makes sense based on his arguments, but it's just not practical. Tips start for you at the time you clock in, regardless of whether or not you deal with the orders that came in slightly before you clocked in. Sometimes that sucks, but sometimes it sucks on the other end too. I bussed and washed for an hour tonight and didn't get the tips from when they were busy prior to midnight.

I ended up giving him $2 to shut him up, but we didn't really reach an agreement. And Steph agrees that I should have tipped him in on the $8 - that's never how it's worked -- even though they claim they always leave tips in the jar when "you"  (meaning me) would come in late. Whatever!

I just feel ganged up on. And I thought I was being fair. Sure I understand the logic of dividing tips based on effort put in to a particular order, but that's just on practical. Sometimes you can bust your butt for 2 hours and get $1 for your efforts. Sometimes you barely do a thing and make $15. That's just the nature of tips, since we don't have a particular person in charge of a particular table/tables like a normal, sit-down restuarant. Sometimes people tip at the cash register, sometimes they tip at the table. It's been my understanding that unless it's a tip large enough, or a group large enough to make an issue over, the tips that are in the jar/can be run on a credit card start and end when you arrive and leave, unless the rest of the crew makes note that you put extra effort into a particularly large tipping order. And over the long run it should come out more even anyway.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I hate them -- I hate the drunks -- and I'm really starting to hate this job. I've been debating whether to tell my boss to make every effort not to schedule me with Frank, because I can't handle his bossing and his bitching -- but I'm only here until June 15th anyway. That's barely 5 more weeks; and there really isn't anybody else good enough to work late nights. Then I thought maybe I should just put in my 2 weeks -- but Rachel is quitting on the 10th and the boss just gave me a raise and a the 3 newbies are already giving him a headache. If I make him find a 4th new person I think he's going to loose it.

The shit I put up with to pay for school...

1 minute left of "My Day"....although really today felt like any other day.  Except, of course, for the presents.  That part was neat :-D  But I really feel like 26 was kind of this null thing -- like I went directly from 25 to 27 without really noticing.  I've even been saying that I'm 27 for months, which is weird a little bit.  Oh well! I won't dwell....

Also started my new super-part time job as a math tutor that the U. Math Center today.  I was worried that I'd be a little over my head.  But I think I did alright.  The wheels are a bit rusty and creak when they spin, but they spin.  And that's the important part.  After being away from pure math for so long, it was really kind of fun :)

I'm flying home on Wednesday to spend Easter with the fam.  It's been almost 4 whole months since I was back.  Sounds like Joshua is growing like a little weed -- Mom said that he's rolling all over the house now.  I'm sure that Earl (the dog) is just thrilled that the squirmy, loud attention stealer is now mobile!  Needless to say, I can't wait to let Joshua steal all my attention too.

This illustrates perfectly how my mind works...


At least xkcd allows me to hold out hope that there are others afflicted with science-brain as well.

Tonight Dr. Birute Mary Galdikas graced Ellensburg with her gentle spirit, authentic grace and exigent words.  I'm sleepy, so more on this tomorrow.  But for now an illustration (which can be applied to almost ALL of the world's critters no matter how you go about defining "endangered"):

One of my psych professors claims that there is a point in every research project when you think to yourself: "This is rediculous.  This is never going to work.  Why on Earth am I doing this?"

Well I've hit it.  I finally have approval from the Human Subject Review Committee -- who get to officially say that I'm not going to harm the kids -- and am giving the Parental Permission form to the preschool teachers today.  In a strange way, it makes my stomach turn. 

...that one day, and one day very soon, I will be a real, honest to goodness adult!

Nothing quite like tax time to remind you of your worthlessness. I gross well below poverty. That wasnt so depressing when I was a teenager, and even when I was an early-twenties undergrad, having yet to experience a real paycheck.  However, at (almost) 27 years of age, its down right morbid.

I cant seem to use my apastrophe without opening "Find."   Sometimes I really dont get computers.

Anyhow, the up side of living in poverty is that the government feels sorry for you and heaps all of the money you gave it back your way.  While I should really work towards paying off my credit card, I think that I will "splurge" on new contacts. 

Walker:  My take on things is: You can get as fat as you want to, but if you stop being a genius then we are going to have problems.

Me (for the sake of rediculous argument): How could I stop being a genius?  It isn't like it's something I asked for, it just happened.  I don't think it would one day just disappear.

Walker: Well you could accidentally get lobotimized.

Me: I suppose that's true, but then we would have much bigger problems than just the loss of my genius.

Walker: True.  But if you did accidentally get lobotimized, I would take care of you or find an excellent facility for your care.

Me:  Hey!  You mean you wouldn't want to be burdened by taking care of me for the rest of your life?! Geez, Walker!

Walker: No...no....In all seriousness, I would take care of you on my own unless I couldn't or I thought a care facility could do a better job.  Then I woud find the best one, but visit you and bring you flowers.


Awwww!  It's nice to know that in all seriousness, if someone were to stick a probe up my nostil and scramble my brains that my guy would completely stick by me!

I'm kind of ashamed to admit it, but one late late night after pizza-work (apparently my mother gets confused when I say just "work," so now it's pizza-work and school/teaching-work) I was perusing thru the various strands of interweb and happened upon "Winston's Journal."   Written by an openly gay guy, about his smooshed face cat, Winston, with occasional guest appearances by his autistic tiger kitty buddy, Rudy -- it's funny.

The most recent post expresses my own sentiments about Mac users so much better than  I could ever hope to do so myself.  So for your mid-afternoon reading pleasure:

"My boyfriend recently bought a Mac. Being a PC loyalist coping with the discovery that a loved one is a Mac person is, I imagine, like being a kind-hearted but circumstantially ignorant straight person who discovers that someone close to them is gay: you're supportive but concerned about the bigger picture. It's a cold world back there in our makeshift office, and I just don't want that Mac to mistreat him, is all. I gently suggested that he try not being a Mac person, but apparently things don't work that way. Oh well. All I know is what I hear on Oprah. "

Seems like everyone I know is havin' a baby. It disturbs me to think that I am old enough to have friends that can have children. I mean, I know there was the errant individual who gave birth in our early 20s....but now, it's everybody. Seriously!

I just got an email from my sorority sister/college best friend -- she's expecting in September. Hurray for Laura and John!

Speaking of babies....I miss my nephew :(

As a waitress, I am getting quite well acquainted with E'burg's boys in blue.

I'll let that sink in, as it stikes me a bit like "If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college." Although, I guess one might muse that perhaps the cops like pizza. But no --- the debachery that goes on late at night in this little po-dunk town!

Last night a very angry young gentleman (read: punk) put his fist through our plexiglass pizza display case, because we were trying to get his attention long enough to avoid having him put his fist through his girlfriend, right there at the counter. AND she defended his punk-ass afterward. No matter how much psychology I cognitively know I will never ever understand why a young woman, in today's society, will enter into a relationship, let alone defend any loser that hits her. And there's no way that he doesn't hit her -- if he's willing to treat her like that in public, I can only imagine what goes on behind a closed door.

Tonight was much tamer....so to speak.

I've recently acquired an obsession with these. Whatever.  It's not all funny, but some of it is clever.  I also find the convensions and inside jokes....comforting I guess.  So I'm a silent party, but I'm still in the "in-group."  What can I say?  Fuzz and cuteness make me happy.

So little does these days.  I always thought that being in love would be like this magic pill...a cure all for everything that stressed me.  HA!  Not that it isn't great.  And upon reflection, perhaps without love I would have gone completely crazy by now.  Surely I would have given up on this ill-fated part of my academic journey and crawled back to my mother's house.  Or worse, stuck it out at the chimp lab and ended up on an even more desparately awful path toward nowhere in Reno.

Bleh.  When did I get so serious?!  My live journal used to read like a tamish episode of Sex in the City.  Now adays, if I even bother to post at all, it sounds more like the begining of MacBeth -- foreboding and anxious.

I wonder what it is about me or my past....or both....that causes me to see my current situation as so unsettled.  It seems as if I'm always working toward doing something else -- going somewhere other than here.  Why?  I like to think that I'm at least partly grounded in the moment, that I consider the journey and make the most of the twists in the pathway......

I don't know.  I've just been plaguing my mind with doubts about what I want to do in life again.  My mother is no model of career satisfaction or stability -- a new job nearly every 2 years since I was 8.  For her that just means an uncertain retirement.  For me?  eh.  I don't want to change careers, jobs, whatever over and over...so I work or at least have been working toward this nebulous goal of high academic achievement.  People ask if I enjoy teaching.  Sure, some parts of it -- and god do I love it when they learn.  When my psuedo-rhetorical questions aren't met with half-interested blink-blink, blink-blink, but with answers.  It's amazing.  But more often there is the blinking and the "what do we need to know for the test?" questions.  Can I blame them?  I was all about the grade too -- not that learning wasn't part of the point, but it wasn't the only thing I was in it for either.  What a balance!  So may be I like it -- some.  Maybe I'd like something else more...but what?  Does anybody ever know?

Alright, I gave myself til 11 to muse.  Now onto the daily grind.....perhaps I'll post more light-heartedly next time.

I suppose if I'm truly honest with myself I've never been really good with feedback -- any kind. I'm horrible with compliments. I just don't know how to take them. What's worse, perhaps, tho is how I do take to criticism - personally. It eats at me. Mountain out of a mole-hill, eats at me.

Couldn't sleep last night because one of my students launched into a diatribe on how when one of his other professors teaches 101, she picks and chooses chapters and topics so that the material isn't so overwhelming. Along with a confusingly worded accusation that having exam questions on a topic that was not covered in lecture, but was in fact in the assigned course reading, was...how did he put it..."unreasonable."

After a litany of swear words, a heavily censored response and 24h to let my blood pressure return to it's normal high-end of normal/high, I still don't feel a lot better about it. Thankfully my wonderful angel went and found this: http://www.uwgb.edu/dutchs/nosymp.htm

At least I'm not the horrible prof I was considering myself to be.

My journal posts always seem to be about life's stresses and strife....how un-fun of me! I should really make little daily posts so that my existence doesn't seem so epoch-riddled.